When it Hurts

I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. – C.S. Lewis

It can be difficult to acknowledge personal pain in a world that elevates people for being competitive, ambitious, impervious and tough-minded. It can be especially difficult when that pain is being inflicted inter-generationally. In a world that is becoming more technically intertwined, we’re simultaneously experiencing greater isolation and we’re relying on family more than ever for those rare, authentic relationships we need to feel truly seen and heard. In situations where family is a source of hurt over several generations, authenticity requires acknowledging the reality of these hurts. Staying healthy within that reality means breaking the inevitable cycles that manifest themselves in a world of hurt.

I take this to mean that most all of us have significant life-work to do. Even in the most idyllic of families, there are generational hurts inflicted by all of the ‘isms’ and accompanying violence that dominates the human experience. The ‘American Experience,’ shaped by the rawest forms of capitalism, competition and industrialization, has resulted in both global dominance and American exceptionalism; the belief that America is unique, distinct and morally superior. Not unlike a dysfunctional family, impersonal and objective measures of success are elevated to the point of disappearing the subjective and pluralistic experience of exploitation, subjugation and systemic abuse upon which they rest.

We’re seeing and experiencing a world of hurt right now. Made more visible and palpable to people as a result of objective measures of success (stock market, global trade, 401k balances) simultaneously tanking, more people are starting to question the wisdom of defending the dysfunctional family making decisions on our behalf. The bravado is truly baffling. The level of self-deception, stifling. In truth they are but one manifestation of intergenerational pain. That’s what makes them seem “authentic” and “relatable” to a lot of people while doing things that are objectively harmful.

Past is prologue. Hurt people hurt people.

It’s hard not to feel a healthy dose of shame for how our country is operating while also feeling proud of our democracy and ideals. How can we lean into those feelings of shame enough to reprogram ourselves away from a spiral of shame? How does collective and intergenerational shame manifest personally? What systems currently perpetuating shame need to be broken and/or repaired? How can we celebrate what makes us proud while being mindful of these many sources of intergenerational pain?